My Foray Into Breastfeeding

As the title of this entry states, it is about breastfeeding. If the subject makes you uncomfortable (though I can't think of a logical, educated person being uncomfortable with it) then don't read this entry.

I will start out with saying that I never had the chance to breastfeed Alice. Actually, the whole experience I had in the hospital with Alice kind of soured my view on it to a point. When Alice was born, I would try to bring her to the breast, but she would just push it out. I asked the nurses to help me and at first they were very encouraging. After tons of unsuccessful attempts, I started to say that something was wrong. She would not latch. She would push my breast away with her tongue.

It was at this point that the nurses started telling me that I just wasn't doing it right. They would hand Alice to me and tell me to wake her up by pinching the bottom of her foot. I tried it and she didn't wake up - so the nurse tried it. I was happy when it didn't work for her either - figured she'd change her attitude. Instead she stripped Alice down and put a cold cloth on her side to wake her up. I was upset with that, but if I talk about it, I'll forget that this is about breastfeeding.

When Alice was awake, the nurse roughly grabbed my breast and shoved it into Alice's mouth. Again, Alice pushed it out. The nurse repeated until (thankfully) my family doctor came in. He asked what was going on and I explained it to him. He put his pinky in her mouth and she promptly pushed it out. He said that she had a reversed rooting reflex. It happens in enough about every 1 in 1000 babies. So it's not uncommon. The solution was to feed Alice via feeding tube. I had hand expressed breast milk for a week while we tube fed, but eventually just started doing formula.

Fast forward to Jane. I was preparing myself to exclusively pump - I even have a double electric pump that has great user reviews online. Imagine my surprise when, right in the hospital, Jane took to the breast. She latched like a pro. I felt confident when, three hours later, I went home.

The first two days were just colostrum. On the third day, she started to actually get hungry and wouldn't settle. I started using the breast pump to get my milk production started early. It worked great - by that evening I had a happy sleeping full tummy baby.

Things were going awesome - until the fourth night when both Jane and I slept a bit longer than expected. Jane woke up extremely angry and hungry. I woke up extremely engorged. Her latch sucked and it was a very painful feed, but I didn't want to reposition her as she had been so upset. Bad idea - my nipple started bleeding shortly after. The fresh air felt like sandpaper.

I decided to just feed from the other side to give my nipple a rest. She wouldn't latch on my other side. I call it my 'bad' side thanks to something that had happened with pumping breast milk with Alice and the drying up process last time.

I refused to give up. I had set myself up for success this time. I went and grabbed my pump. I pumped a fair amount of milk and it was nice and cream coloured - just what it was supposed to be. I would wake up an hour before Jane was due to eat and I would pump. That way I could be sure I had it and I wasn't stuck putting her on my sore nipple.

I kept doing that for a few days until my nipple healed. Then I put Jane back to the breast. She latched perfectly again, except this time, she coughed and sputtered and choked at the breast. I found out that I had an over active letdown. I didn't worry too much, my midwife just said to recline while feeding her so that gravity didn't make it shoot out like it did.

Things were looking good. Jane was gaining weight, pooping, and eating for ten minutes every three hours. Then I noticed her poop was changing colour - it was turning green instead of mustard brown. I thought that maybe it had something to do with what I was eating. But then I realized I hadn't eaten anything different than what I had previously in the week. (I was actually eating the same thing every day because it was easy and already cooked)

I called my midwife and also texted my cousin, who is in the midwifery program and McMaster University. They both said that it was foremilk poop. Foremilk is the milk that has been in the breast a little while so that the fatty deposits it originally had were further up in the milk duct. Foremilk looks white and watery. Hindmilk - the good, fatty stuff - is cream coloured and keeps the baby full and less gassy. She was only eating foremilk.

Because I had so much milk and such a fast letdown, my midwife suggested drinking sage and peppermint teas to try and dry up some of my milk supply. My cousin got me the teas and I started on them as my midwife prescribed.

The next day I decided to pump to see what was going on as well. Normally I would only pump for ten minutes or so and by the end feel that my breasts were empty. I was also usually left with hindmilk in the bottle. That was not what happened this time. I pumped for 20 minutes and was left with 8 oz of foremilk and my breasts still felt full. I called my midwife and told her what was going on. She said that it was odd at this point so I should keep pumping until I came into the hindmilk - but not as a solution, only to see how long it would take. (If you keep pumping to get to the hindmilk, your body will just keep producing milk and you'll have to go through the same thign with each pumping session - tons of foremilk and little hind)

I pumped for 20 more minutes on the highest setting on my pump. It was a total of 40 minutes including the last pumping with the 8 oz. At the end of 20 minutes, I was left with 6 oz of foremilk. Still no hindmilk. I called my midwife and she said to continue with the teas as they would take a few days to work.

At this point both Jane and I were frustrated. She would be hungry but would cough and sputter again at the breast, even if I leaned back. She would eventually latch, but would only eat for a minute or so then require a burping and then would fall asleep during the burping. I thought that maybe she was starting to get enough again, and I would put her down...then she would wake up screaming and want the breast.

I got so frustrated that I had to call my mom. Mike was working a wedding and so I had been home with just Jane and Alice all day. I had no one there to talk to or encourage me. It was hard. I was so happy when my mom got there. Jane didn't stop her fussing at the breast then sleep pattern while my mom was there, but it honestly did help to just have her there.

After hours of having Jane on my breast and crying and waking and sleeping and burping, I couldn't take it anymore. I made a bottle of formula we had in case of emergency so I could get some sleep and try again in the morning. (And so my mom could go home)

I never got to try again in the morning. I woke up in the middle of the night to whispering. I couldn't find the source. I thought maybe Alice was talking in her sleep or that maybe someone was talking in the building's hallway (I live in an apartment and the hallways echo). There was no one out there. Then it dawned on me. I was having auditory hallucinations. It is part of my mental illness.

I hadn't been on my meds for the duration of trying to conceive/pregnancy/birth. My hormones seemed to be ok during the pregnancy and I had been feeling healthy after the birth...but I think my hormones finally got so out of whack that it triggered the hallucination. I called the on-call doctor at my doctor's office. He gave me an after hours number for the womens' mental health services. They gave me two options. I could start my medications or I could call C.O.A.S.T and be taken to the hospital and admitted. I obviously chose my medications - but it meant I could no longer breastfeed. My medications can do a lot of damage to an infant who is breastfeeding. Hell, they damage me!

At first I was devastated. I felt so sad. I had handled Alice's inability much better because I could 'blame' her for it. She had something wrong with her. But this time it was different. There was something wrong with me.

The sadness about it didn't last long. I knew this was a possibility. Mental illnesses don't go away just because you want to breastfeed. I still had a husband and older child to take care of as well as sweet baby Jane. I know a healthy, happy mom means a healthy, happy household. I tried my best and did better than I had ever expected - I managed to breastfeed for two weeks! I wasn't even planning on breastfeeding at all, it was going to be pumped! So in no way do I feel like I have failed. I chose what was best for everyone in my family.

Jane hated the formula at first. She would make faces when she tasted it, but hunger won her over and now she takes to it as if it were the best thing on earth. I'm taking my meds and the whispers are only now starting to go away for a few hours at a time - but at least they didn't get worse while I was waiting for the meds to kick in.

I haven't faced too much opposition in my formula feeding from those that matter to me. There have been a few comments here and there from people I see in passing who I am close enough to discuss feeding, but not close enough to care what they think (they don't even think mental illnesses are real, so what do they know?).

At the end of the day, Jane is thriving, I'm happy, and Alice and Mike now get the chance to feed Jane. It's win-win for all.