Body Image

I knew this would happen. I didn't know to what extent, but I knew it would happen. I would be unhappy with my postpartum body. And it's not that I'm unhappy about how I look considering I just had a baby a mere 8 weeks ago. It's being unhappy about the unknown - to what extent is my body permanently changed this time?

I finished my pregnancy at 178lbs (80.9 kilos) - much better than the 200lbs (90.9 kilos) with Alice. I also retained stretch marks along the areas I already had them, so I knew more or less where they would shrink to - or at least how to dress to avoid showing them.

Either way, weight loss hasn't been too hard with this pregnancy. Running around after Alice while looking after Jane and yes, skipping a few meals (not on purpose!) and trips to the gym have really helped. I am currently at 144lbs.

My body right now is in a weird stage. I look good with clothes on. My tummy has gone back down to such a state where I look like the average person. But when the shirt comes off, I have issues. I have this extra skin overhang that I really can't remember if I had it with Alice or not. That is what is bothering me. If I remain standing, I don't mind what I see in the mirror - but as soon as I sit and the smallest leaf of my tattoo disappears under that damn skin fold, I start to feel gross.

I know that at the moment I am still not toned, so that probably plays a part, but I have this fear that this skin fold may never go away. I know that after having kids one can't expect to look perfect, but at the same time, I remember how I looked before this pregnancy - and was kind of hoping to have assurance that I could get back to the way I looked - though not the weight I used to be...it was kind of too skinny for me.

I also know that it has only been 8 weeks. I'm talking in weeks because 2 months sounds longer. It actually depresses me - so I have to remind myself that 2 months is only 8 weeks. It took 40 weeks to grow my baby, so I know it will take a while to lose the 40 weeks of change - but I just want to know that things WILL change.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel sexy - something I wasn't able to do until shortly before the pregnancy with Jane. Not because of how my body looked - but because I finally realized how my body looked. I finally found the peace to call myself beautiful without worrying that someone would think I was conceited or arrogant - because we all know that there are people who will call someone out when they call themselves beautiful - and it's usually by someone who can't call themselves beautiful.

I feel like I am cheating myself out of the happiness I should be feeling. I should be focusing on what I've done so far. I've lost a good chunk of my pregnancy weight. I don't look like I had a baby 2 months ago. I am the same shape and weight as many of my friends now. Many people I meet and talk to in public don't even know I have kids - so really, I worry I might be too hard on myself - but I can't help it. I don't feel beautiful.