Routine?!

So, recently I have been trying to get into the swing of things. Well, actually, I have being trying to figure out what the swing of things actually is! Jane is slowly starting to realize the difference between day and night. She was doing well at the beginning, but some 'bad' choices, on my part, regarding trying to lull her to sleep during sleep deprivation, she has decided that night time is her favourite time.

It hasn't been until the past two nights that she has gone down at a more humane hour. Last night was 2am. The night before that was 3:30am. I am hoping to have a 1:30-2am bedtime tonight as well.

My anti psychotics have kicked in (I hate how mentioning them makes me sound crazy haha) and I have recently started my Dexedrine again. I didn't want to start it for a few reasons. One is the cost. It's over a dollar a pill. Not much more than a dollar a pill, but still, it costs enough. The second reason is the gut rot. This pill causes extreme stomach pain once it kicks in. It's not that it hurts as soon as the capsule breaks open, more like it makes your stomach hate you when you decide to put food in it - which is actually one of the reasons they use Dexedrine to help obese people try to control what they eat. The third and last reason is this - the full name of this medication is dextroamphetamine. It has similar stimulant properties to methamphetamines - meaning it really keeps you awake (a reason fighter pilots are given Dexedrine on long flights). So not only am I dealing with a baby that doesn't want to sleep, I face physical exhaustion from Jane while my mind is still running a mile a minute.

The reason I have decided to go back on it is that I need it in order to be an effective parent. Alice's routine is suffering. She has had the same daily routine for years now. Mike and I knew that a second child would change it, but the possibility of forming a new, similar routine would be next to impossible when I can't even get myself dressed in under an hour.

The lack of ambition I face with my ADHD also would rob Jane of establishing a schedule. I am a firm believer that a happy, healthy child is the result of routine. Not a strict routine, but a routine where there are a few non-variables, such as morning routine, bedtime routine, and responsibilities around the home.

I also found myself being unable to prepare a proper meal for Mike, Alice, and I. And while Mike is able to feed himself both at work and home, there were a few days where, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to make a full dinner. When it comes to Alice, she would come home from school and normally be given lunch by me. Lately I have just been giving her a bag of chips or some random junk type item instead of even making something as simple as a sandwich. And it's not because I'm tired - it's a total lack of ambition to get things done. And as for myself, I would be too lazy to actually make anything for myself as well...or to even heat up anything I previously made. For the 4th week of Jane's life, I survived on a cup of instant coffee and half a peanut butter sandwich. It got to the point during the 5th week where I felt so weak I was afraid I would drop Jane because my blood sugar was so low. (I'm hypoglycemic and really require constant healthy food to keep my blood sugar constant)

I picked up my Dexedrine prescription this past Monday. I am dealing with the stomach pain and alert brain as best I can. I am super thankful for time zones and Yahoo messenger. If it wasn't for Emma and Jenn, I would be insane by now. Nothing is better than having someone to talk to while you're up in the middle of the night with a baby that is cranky because she is both tired and hungry.

I'm hoping it doesn't take long to become accustomed to my Dexedrine again. I had been on it for years previous to this pregnancy, and continued to take it during my pregnancy with Alice so I could complete school. I never realized how accustomed I was to the side effects before this. I am currently in a place between productiveness and lack of ambition. It's a sign that it is starting to work. With any hope, I will be figuring out our new routine. That is until Jane decides to do the whole baby thing and change it up all over again!